Teenagers - It's not you, or them

The teenage years strike fear in many parents. The worry that your child will soon transform into a moody, argumentative teen. But what is going on behind the scenes and can science help us understand teen behaviour?

Bez and son Arlo chat about their experiences being or raising teenagers and psychologist Anjula Mutanda explains these changes and offers advice on how to best our teenagers.

The science – what’s going on inside the teenage brain?

• Although at 12 years the brain may have reached adult size it continues to undergo significant maturing and remodelling throughout the teenage years. Some areas of the brain are developing at different rates.

• The prefrontal cortex plays a role in logical thinking and impulse control, it can also be the last part of the brain to develop.

• The amygdala, on the other hand, develops much faster and is known to process emotion and mood.

• As a result teens can display more impulsive, risk taking behaviour. Heightened emotions can make your teen more confrontational and less likely to think about consequences of their actions.

Over this article and this series of films - Anjula offers tips and suggestions on how to your teenager when facing these common parenting problems.

Each child is unique and will respond to these changes differently. Therefore patience, flexibility, and open communication are the best ways to navigate this process constructively. They’re just as new to this journey as you are so don’t take things to heart and know that you will both get through this together, in time.

Anjula Mutanda

Anjula's advice:

The important thing to is this is normal, this is just another stage in your child's development.

These changes will happen whatever you do, so try and see life through their eyes.

Are they behaving more impulsively and lashing out more?

Understanding the scientific changes taking place can help to bring context to their behaviour and allow you to realise that this behaviour isn't personal. These are developmental stages that every teenager goes through to a greater or lesser degree.

Are they becoming more confrontational, perhaps talking back more?

Provide empathy and create a safe space for open communication to work through their feelings and actions. Their neural pathways are being rewired, so young people going though puberty may suddenly seem to struggle to see things from the point of view of someone else. Try to your own sense of frustration at the world from that age and use that to feel how it must be in their shoes.

Are they becoming more emotionally unpredictable and their moods sometimes swinging to extremes?

Don't take it personally, it's important to listen and understand what they're saying. Be flexible yet consistent in your to help them to feel safe and heard. Pick your battles - because if you respond emotionally you will find there is an escalation. And actually think of them not as battles, but issues to resolve - ideally together through talking.

Scientific advice by Dr Emma Parish, paediatric and adolescent consultant at Evelina London Children’s Hospital.

For more on the teenage brain, this episode of the BBC World Service podcast Deeply Human meets teens and a brain scientist to find out why the rollercoaster highs and lows of teenage life might be good for us.

If your child needs further

Bitesize offer advice for young people around a variety of issues from mental health and wellbeing to staying safe and body image. The site is here.

If your child is in need of in-the-moment they can Childline, where they can speak to a counsellor. Their lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Mental health charity Young Minds have this quick 'help finder' to guide young people and parents to information and .

There are more links to helpful organisations on BBC Action Line.

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