Struggling to form an immediate bond with your baby is far more common than you might imagine.
As clinical psychologist Dr Tracy Rydin-Orwin explains, “I think there is a huge myth that you will suddenly feel this instant love and joy and, in my experience, this is really rare. Although mum has been carrying this little person for 9 months, you haven’t actually met face to face. So, it is like any new relationship: it takes time to get to know each other and find a way of being together.”
Shannon, mum to Arthur tells us about how she experienced difficulty feeling an initial connection with her son and how she overcame it and offers her advice for parents in a similar situation. For more advice from clinical psychologist Tracy, check out our full interview.
Shannon's story
The impression you get about seeing and holding your baby is that it’s going to be all light, happiness and joy. If I’d known that building a bond takes time and that lots of mums find it hard, I wouldn’t have struggled on my own for so long.
My pregnancy with Arthur was totally fine and it felt like my partner Dom and I connected with him before birth. We were excited about being parents. We talked to him every day and played dance music to my belly – he would respond and move around.
When Arthur was ten days overdue, I was induced and the labour went on for nearly three days. He eventually came out fine but when I was given the injection to speed up the delivery of the placenta, it came away so quickly, it tore my uterus. Arthur was put on my chest for a matter of seconds and I was rushed into theatre. I don’t much; only what people have told me.
Wanting to hide away
I was in hospital for about three days after the surgery in a state of shock. Arthur was next to me but I didn’t want him to be there. I didn’t want to hold him or feed him. I just wanted to go home and sleep – and I felt like he was stopping me. It was a comment from another mum on the ward that made me think that I wasn’t a good mum and not feeling what I should. Arthur was crying and I was walking him up and down and she said: “He just wants his mum”. I just nodded but inside I was thinking “Well, I don’t really want him right now.”
When I took him home, rather than feeling relieved, I was overwhelmed. I wanted to stay in bed and hide. I have a big family and they were fussing over Arthur, wanting to do everything and I let them. A health visitor came around two days after I got home, but I just pretended everything was OK when she asked “How are you coping?”.
I knew that I loved Arthur and that I wanted him but I thought that if I asked for help, he might be taken away, so I didn’t open up to anyone. Dom could see that something was awry. He slowly tried me to push me to do more, “why don’t you do his bottle now?”, “why don’t you change him?” or “why don’t you go out for a little walk?” Sometimes I agreed but I didn’t enjoy it.
Getting and professional help
It was an online mums’ group that gave me the nudge I needed. Conversations on there made me realise I wasn’t alone and gave me the confidence to talk to my friends who have kids. I also spoke to my sister who itted that when she had her first baby, she felt exactly the same. This was a relief but it was also tinged with sadness – thinking that I could have helped them if they’d reached out to me.
By then, Arthur was around 5 months old and very slowly our bond changed. I one time when Dom was away, Arthur woke up – and I just had this sense that he needed me and I wanted to be with him. It wasn’t birds singing and fanfares, it was just a tiny moment when I felt closer to him.
I still had up and down days after this. One day I’d be thinking “I’m bonding with him now and everything’s great” but then I’d slip down again. But once I was feeling more confident and less scared, when Arthur was 8 months old, I got the professional help I needed. I opened up to my health visitor and went to my GP. They diagnosed me as having postnatal depression and they were great, so understanding.
It’s been a real journey, and it’s only been a year. I’m doing really well and I don’t recognise the person I was in those early days. I’m still on antidepressants but Arthur’s walking, talking and interacting, which means everything seems easier. Before being a mum felt so difficult. And I felt so distant, like I was babysitting him and I could give him back at any point. Now I love being a mum and I miss him when he takes a nap.
Shannon's advice
that you’re not alone
I know just how comforting it is to find out that other people are experiencing the same feelings as you. I’m hoping new mums who are finding things tough might read this and feel reassured – I want to raise awareness.
Ease up on yourself
Don’t put extra pressure on yourself by punishing yourself for feeling down. There’s no ‘right’ way to feel. You are not a bad mum and you will get through this.
Open up to someone you trust
It doesn’t matter who they are, just so long as it’s someone you feel at ease with. Don’t put on a face. Be honest. Sit down and cry for a couple of hours if you want. And when you have your first visit or call from your health visitor, be honest with them too. They’re the first people who can help you and are trained for situations like this.
Further advice
For more information about mental health and wellbeing, check out the dedicated area on the NHS website.
The Institute of Health Visiting have shared their top tips for parents on a range of topics here.
BBC Action Line has details of organisations that can help you.
